Man, Free Monday: Weird Walkoff Sunday

The Chiefs get a walkoff blocked kick, the Panthers get a walkoff fumble recovery, the Texans were forced into primetime again and died in the spotlight.

Main screens

Giants 17 at Panthers 20

It was merciful, at least. There was a Werner Herzog-esque calm in my brain as we approached overtime in this game, a game where Daniel Jones tried his very best to get Malik Nabers hurt again and break several brains with horrendous decisions and non-throws, leaving Brian Daboll wandering on the sidelines like a monk contemplating his own existence.

Then Tyrone Tracy simply fumbled the ball on New York’s first overtime play, and the Panthers ran the ball three times and kicked a meaningless game-winning field goal to help the Giants seize control of the No. 1 overall pick race. I don’t want to write about either of these teams anymore and I don’t want to wake up at 8:30 AM to watch any more games from exotic locales. And Tyrone Tracy had the courage to just let that end quickly. Thank you, Tyrone.

Bryce Young won a game with 126 yards passing and one touchdown to a wide-open Ja’Tavion Sanders, while Chuba Hubbard dislocated his leg — something he claims has happened before — but just fixed it and went about business as normal. In case you needed a reminder that even the players on the lowliest teams in this league are superhuman. I thought it was very silly for the Panthers to extend Hubbard but I must now admit I was not familiar with his dislocation game. Daboll refused to commit to Daniel Jones as the starter after the bye, which is a story that only eight Giants beat writers care about but they care about it so powerfully I must simply drown in the currents.

Broncos 14 at Chiefs 16

In my main Rotoworld game, we saw the Broncos blow a game where a lot went right for them on a walkoff blocked field-goal attempt. I wouldn’t call what Bo Nix did today bad, but a lot of it was horizontally-schemed weirdness and a lot of the actual heavy lifting was “Courtland Sutton is going to dominate Trent McDuffie today”

He did this both on his touchdown and on what would have set up the game-winning field goal had the Broncos decided to actually hit it. I would consider, if I were the Broncos, not having the entire left side of my line cave in like this:

The Chiefs, meanwhile: I think there’s this thing where we’ve decided they’re underwhelming because they aren’t the 2018 Chiefs anymore, but that’s not really their fault at this point. Defenses are asking them to win this way and so they’re simply obliging. Patrick Mahomes was under intense pressure for a lot of this game, especially with backup tackle Kingsley Suamataila on the field, and took four sacks. But he also just did vintage Mahomes stuff in a way that didn’t have a vintage Mahomes explosive payoff:

He did miss a wide-open Travis Kelce in the end zone on what could have done a much better job icing the game, and it is worth dogging him for that throw even if it didn’t directly lead to a loss. But the Broncos defense actually played pretty well!

Denver falls to 5-5, a game up on the Colts and Bengals for the last playoff spot in the AFC. I think the AFC has six playoff-worthy teams at this point, maybe five if I really want to dogpile the Sunday Night Football loser. The Broncos aren’t bad, but I certainly didn’t leave this game thinking they have scary weapons. They’re a lesser version of the Chargers.

Eagles 34 at Cowboys 6

I’ve been doing a bi-weekly column at D Magazine about the Cowboys this year and I already feel like I don’t even know what to say about the Cowboys. What am I supposed to say about this game even after I watched the whole thing? I guess I could say that Dallas at least got the Trey Lance experiment out of its system in a blowout, but uh, if Cooper Rush is going to play that badly, I can’t rule out more Lance. But reader, Lance did this:

It’s the lesser-known cousin of “if he’s even, he’s leaving” — “if I see a defender, this ball’s a floater.” Tony Romo and Jim Nantz openly speculated that this pass could have been a punt.

Dallas’ defense actually got some pressure, adding enough big plays to keep things close in the first half, but they can’t hold up forever when the offense averages 2.6 yards per play.

Jerry Jones took offense to your suggestion that he alter his football cathedral just because it did a silly thing like cost CeeDee Lamb a chance to catch a football in the end zone.

I came into this game thinking I needed to see the Eagles in an environment against a real test again, and I left this game thinking: I need to see the Eagles in an environment against a real test again. Thursday night against the Commanders beckons.

Lions 26 at Texans 23

I loathe prime time Texans games. Normally I have six hours to let things combobulate before I go to bed and that leaves me with a combination of pre-written things and topics that I am comfortable with as I head into the morning edits and fill-ins. Instead, to let you in on the writer’s world view, I am writing at 12:50 AM on a cell phone because I haven’t processed everything yet. I guess that’s still proof I am a fan, for whatever that’s worth to anybody.

I try to approach these capsules to give information to the reader first. The problem is that I can’t really give you new information on the Texans. They changed their guard/center combination to throw Juice Scruggs at left guard, and he immediately became The Problem. The offensive line looked a little less garbage even if pressures started compiling late in the second half — Stroud finished with a 42.1% pressure rate and four sacks, and he hasn’t been below a 40% pressure rate in any game since Week 4. But what has been happening has kept happening. Without Stefon Diggs this team has no underneath easy winners. Stroud either gets someone wide open up the middle on design or tries to thread balls because he has to. Stroud’s late throw to Tank Dell was emblematic of what the Texans are up to:

They have the talent to do this. Their players should be talented enough to do this. The scheme is failing in some obvious ways but it’s not like Bobby Slowik is a dogshit coordinator who can’t generate any open receivers. The whole is just not the sum of its parts and everyone seems nervous about it, nobody is playing with any confidence or rhythm. The only passing touchdown comes in two-minute when you finally get people out of their brains. And uh, if I may critique a non-Stroud player: Sure would have been nice to see Dell actually come try to get this ball instead of looking on helplessly as it landed in Carlton Davis’ arms. That’s the feeling I got as watching this one turn away from the home team: looking on helplessly.

Maybe everything heals up nicely when Nico Collins gets back and I forget that I was so angry at the end of this game that I bit a cat bed after Jake Bates hit the game-winning field goal. But this is not the “legitimate title competitor” path, and it is absolutely not the “this team’s offense is good enough to win any game” path. It is the Bill O’Brien path I wanted to leave in the rearview mirror 6 years ago of defense, so-so running, and field goals. My god, so many field goals. I will — to let the fan mask drop — fucking despise that outcome. I would almost rather be a garbage funny David Culley team than build up expectations that get the blue checkmark “it’s time to talk about CJ Stroud on this app….” messages.

The Lions … what can I tell you about the Lions that you haven’t seen yet? They got picked off five times and broke almost zero in the running game for three quarters before the Texans defense finally started to bend a bit. They may or may not win the Super Bowl — I kinda think random bad chance can just befall anybody — but if they do lose along the way it’s going to be somebody beating them rather than them failing themselves. They’ve got the kind of mental toughness that the Texans just don’t. At least not yet.

Other games

Steelers 28 at Commanders 27

Weird walk-offs! A walk-off offsides penalty? We saw it. I got booted right from the Chiefs-Broncos game into a Mike Williams touchdown catch. Williams didn’t play much in his Steelers debut, but he did happen to pair up with Russell Wilson on that go-ahead play.

To be honest with you, I don’t think that offsides walkoff should have happened because I felt Zach Ertz’s fourth-down catch was past the first down line, but the Steelers got the benefit of the doubt on that one. Maybe they got a belated Ball Don’t Lie for their well-considered and dropped fake-punt attempt in the first half.

Vikings 12 at Jaguars 7

Weird walk-offs! A walk-off personal foul by Travon Walker gave the Vikings the rare 12-7 win after they came up slightly short on third down while trying to run out the clock. (Well, let’s be honest, Mac Jones would not have won that game anyway, but technically it still counts.)

Doug Pederson, asked about an inexplicable Jones interception, went full Joker on us and said “you wouldn’t understand.” Yes, who could possibly understand a bad football play like Jaguars coach Doug Pederson?

Consider me a Sam Darnold Rejuvenation Machine Refugee, because after five interceptions in two games I think that the hopes for the Vikings are slowly dying. Winning this game in this way spoke some pretty big volumes about the state of this pass offense, even if Darnold did carry a 40.5% pressure rate.

49ers 23 at Buccaneers 20

Weird walk-offs! Jake Moody missed three different field goals to make this game approachable for Tampa Bay, but finally hit on one at the very last second to keep the 49ers close in the NFC West race. That’s what we in the business call a “Mason Crosby callback.”

Christian McCaffrey finally returned from his Achilles tendonitis, managing 13/39 on the ground and 6/68 through the air. George Kittle said that McCaffrey brings “an elite aura,” which is a +4 modifier to Brock Purdy’s Elite QB roll.

It continues to be amazing that the Bucs are doing as well as they are as a pass offense with literally no receiver play. Bucs receivers combined for four catches and 28 yards on 11 targets. They had Jalen McMillan active but he didn’t play any snaps. When they tell you receivers don’t matter, play them clips of this offense with Mike Evans and Chris Godwin versus clips of this offense without them.

Falcons 17 at Saints 20

Darren Rizzi thought he’d have a crappy day. But it wasn’t as bad as Younghoe Koo’s, as the veteran kicker went 1-for-4 on his four attempts in a three-point loss.

The Falcons got dusted by the (checking box score skeptically) Marquez Valdes-Scantling rejuvenation project?

I guess it is fair to note that Derek Carr is a pressure-struggler and the Falcons rarely create any of it, but that ball was absolutely dropped in the bucket. Valdes-Scantling went for 3/109/2 in his Saints debut, adding a 67-yard catch later with a little slight veteran push-off on Clark Phillips. Great win for Darren Rizzi, and a great win for my brain which will always associate him with clogged toilets.

Bills 30 at Colts 20

Let’s check in on the Colts going with Joe Flacco. They’re 0-2 since the quarterback change, Flacco’s pick-six to Taron Johnson opened scoring here, and their coach is now begging that you please stop asking him if they’ll bring back Anthony Richardson:

Meanwhile, slot cornerback Kenny Moore says: “We are in November, and I just don’t see us making that jump … I’m seeing the same thing. I think a lot things we gotta just start addressing it and not sugarcoat or beat around the bush. … Honestly, year to year it’s the same thing.” The Colts, even in the AFC, find themselves on the fringe of the playoff race at 4-6. It sure does seem like Shane Steichen’s offense is a lot less than I remember hearing about last year, like he tried to take it a step further this year and accidentally made things so difficult that even Rejuvenated Veteran Flacco can’t do much with it.

The Bills, without Keon Coleman and Amari Cooper, were left with this Mack Hollins quote: “That is our team — everybody eats. Like we’ll eat off the floor if we have to. It is what it is.” Nothing has ever screamed “defensive-minded head coach wideout mentality” harder than that quote. Dalton Kincaid struggled with injuries, leaving this game twice, and this receiving corps is on shaky ground heading into their season-defining matchup with the Chiefs in Week 11. Having Josh Allen is good enough against most teams, though.

Patriots 19 at Bears 3

Let’s see what the Bears think of this offensive performance from Caleb Williams’ OC Shane Waldron. The head coach is extremely up front about how “we’re looking at everything.” Meanwhile safety Kevin Byard says “I’m not gonna go there” when asked about the faith the locker room has in the coaching staff. Sure sounds like Shane Waldron is waking up with a horse head in his bed this morning. And indeed, as I write, there is speculation that Thomas Brown might become OC as early as this morning. Allowing nine sacks and a 43.9% pressure rate to this Patriots unit is certainly a Rock Bottom Feeling. Most of my readers — by virtue of reading this newsletter, I’d argue some of the most informed football fans on the internet — could not name all the Patriots defenders that got sacks. I will admit that even I am stumped on “Dell Pettus,” which sounds like a new form of AI that Idris Elba will be telling us about in three months. “Jeremiah Pharms Jr.,” of course, is the advertisement that tells us about 800 side effects, including constipation, nausea, and risk of instantaneous death so that you can cure dry eye.

Hard to say the Patriots offense really did much to crow about in this game, but they did manage to get struggling rookie Ja’Lynn Polk into the end zone. That can be enough when you bamboozle an offense as badly as the Patriots did here.

Titans 17 at Chargers 27

A game that ended with Jim Harbaugh dubbing Justin Herbert “Beast Herbert” and had Khalil Mack saying he was “doing some shit I’ve never seen.” I don’t think that I’d go that far, he definitely showed some toughness on some runs. His best throw was also (shocker) a dropped missile in the end zone to Will Dissly.

Everyone welcome back Will Levis! He took seven sacks. To his credit, he did not turn the ball over for the first time all season, and he also ran five times for 41 yards. He also got some truly gruesome play from the right side of his line, as things have been for the entirety of his season. This is not a defense of the Franchise QB Status for Levis, because to be a franchise quarterback is to overcome some of these pressures and thrive. But you can see how someone could see him in ideal circumstances and think “ah, this guy’s got a chance.”

With the Broncos loss and the Bengals loss on Thursday, the Chargers now have a 1.5-game lead on the sixth-seed. They play the Bengals, one of the closest competitors to the Broncos for the seventh seed, in Week 11. That’s not quite win-and-in for the Chargers, but given the tiebreak and how badly the Colts are fading, it could be close!

Jets 6 at Cardinals 31

Truly the Texans were a boost for the Jets that got New York back into playoff contention and … juh?

The Jets missed, per Next Gen Stats, 20 tackles. Arizona’s drives went: touchdown, touchdown, touchdown, field goal (to end half), touchdown, punt, end of game. Both James Conner and Trey Benson were able to run at will, and Kyler Murray threw two incomplete passes in 25 dropbacks.

Quotes coming off this game from the Jets plane, as you’d expect, were amazing. Davante Adams, asked about Aaron Rodgers, said “If Michael Jordan was on this team he wouldn’t be happy.” I can’t imagine Michael Jordan just leaning into shit that obviously wasn’t working quite like The Big Skeptical can, but fair enough Davante. Garrett Wilson offered:

A pitch-perfect Futurama line from Mr. Wilson. Kudos. Sorry you’re stuck in this mess.

The Broncos loss means the Jets aren’t quite buried yet, but they sure feel buried. Arizona keeps control of the NFC West and is riding high. I will be honest: I didn’t think this team had it in them, and I definitely don’t like the defensive talent even after this result. But they deserve flowers after four straight wins. Their only losses this year are other well-positioned playoff teams (Bills, Lions, Commanders, Packers) and they’ve spent the last two weeks pasting Narrative Champions. I don’t know if they’ll pull off the playoffs, but they’re at the very least making it interesting.