Beyonce halftime show salvages wasted Christmas as Ravens stuff mangled corpse of Texans in dumpster

31-2.

Ravens 31 at Texans 2

I knew that the Texans were in bad shape, and I knew that the Ravens were the best team they’d played (empirically) so far this season. I didn’t expect a victory. I didn’t expect a tight game. All I kind of hoped for was the specter of avoiding complete embarrassment.

I did not get it.

Houston’s offense was completely shut out, Houston’s defense found two points and allowed 31. Houston’s special teams peaked when D’Angelo Ross destroyed Ravens punt returner Steven Sims for a 15-yard penalty before the ball was even close to being caught. The best I can say for the Texans is that at least Cal and Hannah McNair seemed like they were having fun during Beyonce’s halftime show when they were driven in on parade. I’d rather critique and be associated with Beyonce’s show than this game, too. But I have the pop culture sensibilities of someone stuck in 2006, and so, we’re stuck here talking about this stupid football team.

Derrick Henry becomes the eater of souls

The play that showed me the Texans were in trouble here happened on Baltimore’s first offensive snap from scrimmage. It was a six-yard, well-blocked gain for Derrick Henry. Henry, if you are not knowledgeable about the history of the AFC South, has destroyed the Texans in every year asides from 2023 that he’s been a full-time starter. He rushed for over 200 yards four games in a row.

And Eric Murray acted like tackling him successfully on play one from scrimmage was a victory: